So I’m a bit of a Scrooge when it comes to Christmas. I understand the comfort of routine, the family and friends coming together, etc. But there’s an intensely materialistic odor hanging over the jolly proceedings, a fervid affinity for plastic and cash that never fails to depress me. That and the music. Annual repeats of the various Christinas and Bublés (don’t even get me started on this fucking fiasco) just do not make my yuletide gay. The only person who should be allowed to sing Christmas tunes is Ella Fitzgerald, and even her “giddYAP giddYAP giddYAP LET’S GO” is a cheese grater to my ears.
However! A bizarre tradition has emerged over the years between me and some of my closest friends. Our above-and-beyond favorite Christmas song is and probably always will be…
… Eric Cartman’s rendition of “O Holy Night”.
I know it doesn’t exactly appear on holiday playlists. I know it’s from South Park, and good heavens that’s so very vulgar indeed ugh. And I know it’s probably migraine-inducing for most people. I don’t care. It’s the only Christmas song I can listen to with enthusiasm.
It’s just a masterpiece. The way Trey Parker starts on the beat with an earnest “and.” The way you realize he’s singing “Christmas trees and pies” (“paaaahs”) instead of the original, far inferior, lyrics. That incredible backup choir that comes out of nowhere and then corrects him on “VOICES.” His shrieking high note at the end will never, ever fail to make me laugh. It brings back fond memories of sitting around with my high school friends, singing “Jeeesuus was born and so I get preeesents.”
And isn’t that the point of Christmas tunes? Isn’t Eric Cartman what the Christmas spirit is really all about?